WOODY'S BELLY

September 1998 Issue 32

OPERATIONS ARE KNEE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH !

11.00a.m. 17th September 1998
Well, one year and ftve months after wrecking my knee doing the 1997 London Marathon I’ve had something done about it. You see, as I am sitting at home recuperating and getting bored out of my tiny mind I thought ........... time for a Stroller Newsletter: after all it’s some six months or so since I slagged somebody off in print. At this stage, one day after the operation I’m not sure how things will turn out with my knee but with a bit of luck I might be back in a couple of months sweating all over you again !

GREAT NORTH RUNNERS

Anyway thats enough about my problems as I would like to raise the issue of promoting our club and tapping into the annual Great North Running boom. Chatting with Dicka the other Wednesday as we were 4min 30sec miling !!!! both of us were of the same opinion that we are wasting a big opportunity advertising the club. If say for example we had some small cards printed advertising the club and took a handful out when we ran (individually or club sessions) we could dish them out to unsuspecting joggers were also pounding the roads. Now, this idea has some distinct advantages as not only could we attract people who have some interest in running but, and the main point is, is that we could be selective on who we issue the cards to ! For instance us men may wish to hand out cards to women joggers with enormous well proportioned breasts and the Strollettes could select men with big lunchboxes as big as one of John Wilson’s baguette sandwiches that he eats on a Wednesday night ! What a great idea eh ! The only drawback as far as I can see is that going into the showers after the club session on a Wednesday may be a bit embarassing to existing members. Anyway, that’s my thought of the month ............. I’m feeling a little stiff now (my knee that is) sitting at the computer so I’m going to have somemore grapes.

IT’S WINTER HANDICAP TIME

Roll up, Roll up it’s your favourite time of the year - the club winter handicap which starts next month. In order to make the Handicap rules a little easier to understand so that you can maximise your effort on the night here are Bob’s rules on how he calculates your handicap and league position.
1.If you get a course p.b. you move down 5 league positions.
2.Whoever finshes 13th it’s unlucky for some as you move down the league 4 positions.
3.If you finish ahead of Bob he adds 15 seconds minimum to your finish time.
4.If the event is held on a full moon night and you are wearing Nike running shoes then you are demoted 4 places.
5.Any new members automatically finish in the top three no matter where they come in the race.
6.If you are coming back from injury you are bound to stand a chance of winning a handicap race. You will then be relegated to be one of the last to set off !!

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?

THE HAIRIEST STROLLER ?

Have you noticed,( as I have) Dicka’s quick defensive reaction to claims that he is the club’s hairiest Stroller ? Which leads onto a number of issues here ........... like whom does Dicka consider to be hairier than his is ! I mean my bairn’s pet Guinea Pig looks decidedly bald compared to Dicka in the shower !! Enter left a certain Peter Watts. It’s Peter who Dicka claims to be hairier than himself. Apparently it’s something to do with the amount of body hair and not necessarily the amount of beard or shaggy neck syndrome that you may have. Now I’m not one to shun the stage and the performing arts as you well know as my ‘partnerships’ with John Wilson at the Xmas discos proove but I think that for this year the club cabaret act should be a little bit more spicey this Christmas. So how about it Dicka and Peter why not do a ‘Full Monty’ act for us all to end the debate once and for all.

MORE FAT BELLIES

Perhaps it’s because some of the lads wish to come out in sympathy for Leslie who has been rather rotund for several months now - but I can’t help noticing some ever increasing belly sizes amongst the Strollers. Main culprit is Woody who seems to be getting bigger and bigger. Allen Routledge’s club vest doesn’t tuck in at the front these days and finally I’ve noticed that of all people, Dicka is starting to grow one now. Time for diets I think.

E MAIL MESSAGES

As you know two of our more loyal club members are living / working overseas and as Dicka usually sends the Newsletter on the E Mail for them to access I have the following messages for them :
To Paul Thomas - Hello, you fat bastard hope you’re keeping well. How is the racing grunt these days ?
To Mark Fealy - I still haven’t forgiven you for beating me in at the Jarrow 10K !!

BOB TRIALS VIAGRA FOR G.B. ATHLETICS

Exclusively, I can reveal that Bob Blair is not going to the States to reasearch on different medical techniques but to take part in an unique experiment that involves the administration of VIAGRA !!! Head hunted by British Athletic’s very own Dave Moorcroft, Bob is to trial the effects of Viagra has on your running performance. Bob, is understandably very excited about the prospect of being the British representative in the experiment but is a bit bemused on how he was selected for it in the first place ! “I can only assume it’s because when chatting to Kevin Carr I said that after a hard race I usually wake up the following morning a bit stiff so he put my name forward for selection” Apparently, part of the experimentation is centred around competing in a 10K race 15 minutes after taking some Viagra. “I can’t wait” Bob went on to say. “ I’ve packed my long shorts for the race just incase - you can’t be too sure. Anyway I’ll probably run a p.b. if I end up with three legs ! Best of luck Bob - keep on taking the tablets and if you get the chance, bring back some free samples for Richie Sampson !

Unfortunately as Bob will be away for approxiamately 10 weeks it has become necessary to advertise his current post on a temporary basis until he returns. Anyone interested please read on :

SITUATION VACANT

As a result of the current post holder buggering off to the U.S.A. the following position within the club is vacant
CHIEF COACH
Applicants must display the following qualities :
1.Be hard of hearing as many club members will tell you to ‘f*** off’ when you announce the club session.
2.Be able to plan out running routes and underestimate by 20% how long they actually are.
3.Be reasonably quick running or have a loud voice as you will be with the fast pack shouting out instructions.
4.Be able to offer encouragement to other club runners like “ Come on you fat pig “ or “ tell me when your’e actually trying “
Application forms are available from John ‘Big Belly’ Woodward.

BOB BLAIR GETS NEW P.B.

The St. Peter’s 10K isn’t the easiest race to get a p.b. at. It is after all very hilly and has many twists and turns which reduces your chances of getting a p.b. But Bob managed it nonetheless by only competing in only 7.2 secs of the race. With a distance of 6 feet 8 inches Bob is now installed as the club’s official Triple Jump distance record holder. Bob wishes to thank the bastard who tripped him up in the first place!!!!

QUOTES OF THE MONTH

Watching the Commonwealth Games as I am typing this Newsletter I’ve just heard Linford Christie describe Ato Bolton’s 100 metre run slow motion running style as “ He’s shot off really well”

Geoff Prior - “ You know I’ve done so much marathon training and Sunday morning running over the years that I’ve probably seen more of Dawn’s arse than I have of my wifes”

Linda Raine bragging again the other Monday night - “ I felt really good tonight, I’ve climaxed twice”

Run back home